Beatrice's Ballot

WARNING: THIS STORY MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME VIEWERS

I get a text today. It's 2 weeks before my birthday. I get ready to go about my day when all of a sudden I get a text message from Beatrice. Beatrice has been my friend for ten years.

Diez. Dix. One zero.

We have been through thick and thin and have persevered through all of it.

For context, I haven't spoken to Beatrice in over a year. (Since my last birthday) Now i get a text from her.

Right.

Anyways, the text goes like this: "Hey Stacia, I read your page and would like to say I'm sorry. I handled things wrong and ruined our friendship. Whenever you feel like, we should meet up and talk!

Thank you for the Happy Mother's Day."

Now I see where she was a good human to apologize and recognize her wrong, but I see these things as this. You apologize, we move on or reconcile. I personally was considering the reconciliation until I was faced with the question: Are you over the things that have happened between you both?

Now I know it’s my chance to speak my piece. I have told her how I felt before, but not in this way. This was a moment of reflection to how I handled every situation we faced.

Did I make mistakes? Hell yeah. Do I try to learn from them? Mostly.

But the thing that hurts me the most was not the yelling, nor the ignoring, nor the sadness felt. It was the fact that I looked for this friend for comfort and she was there... to a certain extent. I was hurt cause i felt like I couldn't talk to her. She was either aloof because we had 1 of many arguments, she was either uncomfortable to talk about it, or having the overwhelming fear of losing a close friend. So, to leave things be, I never really spoke about it with her. I just took her back.

My response:" I appreciate you apologizing to me and hearing about your son. However, I still feel hurt by what you've done. (Blah blah things you did that hurt, blah blah) I consider you as my sister.” I talk about more things done, talk about how hurt I have been with her coming back into my life just to do the same thing. Then I say, "I forgive you for what you did and I appreciate your apology."I was not thinking much of it.

Suddenly, the volcano errupts slowly.

She texts: "I am not coming back into your life to do anything bad. I just wanted to apologize to get this behind us. You went through things and so did I. I appreciate the things you've done for me. (Blah blah blah, didn't wanna do that, not my fault.) It was wrong but I did all i could do."

Then it gets interesting.

"I've done some things and I apologized for them. My actions showed better, BUT you've done things to me too. I let it go cause we were best friends. I've gotten over it but I don't think you have.”

Let's pause for a second.

I agree that since we were best friends, I should just let it go and forgive her. But this was WAY beyond tiny things to let go. These were serious things that broke us apart. And they KEPT HAPPENING.

Now, as a lesson I realize I should not give these people my energy. I am only writing this to give an example of how people think that the things they do don't have consequences. You can’t expect me to be Honkey Doree with you if you've made it clear that you haven't learn from your mistakes. The mistakes don't just get exused once, twice, thrice and so on.

These are numerous times of the same things that are uncomfortable to me, causing said separation. We separated about 6 times and came back together. I was at my wit’s end.

So I wrote this poem of words that I think was well enough said.

I wrote:

“It is a lot of nerve coming from you to ask me to do something for you (around my birthday). Which, regardless if you forgot or not is in a few weeks. I would have definitely checked up on you. But did you or anyone else check on me to see if i was alive(...)No. I appreciate the courtesy of texting me after hearing or reading my [podcast], but my position still stands. They only want you when you're of use to them. That's why I do it. To warn and talk about people like you who give their whole ass to kiss when shits sweet for them but when in trouble, they call you. I want no part in it and if you were trying to make peace, you did a shotty job at it. If you had given me something to work with to apologize I would most definitely. Not to point fingers as the fingers are not on you. I tried my best to be there and be a friend, a coworker, a buddy, someone to talk to. And you chose to stop talking as your way of getting back at me. I'm not 19 anymore. Shit doesn't work on me.”

Let's unpack this.

I didn't have to say it like that, but I was tired of being told "I'm sorry" for something and then doing the same thing you just said you didn't mean. I don't get that.

(DISCLAIMER: BY NO MEANS AM I SAYING IM NOT/NEVER WRONG WHEN I AM)

I want to be transparent because I wish I had an older sister to share wisdom with. I understand that not everyone is exacly like me, thus it's bound to happen that we bump heads. But it was the not talking for months at a time, feeling like you have to tread lightly to avoid alot of problems, and lies and deceit happening once a year.

So to reiterate, I am on no ways perfect. I make mistakes and would love if people would be real enough to tell me what I did wrong. I have MANY flaws, and I have no problem pointing them out. All i pray is that I am not being a hypocrite and would like to apologize to whoever I have hurt as a friend. I also appreciate the time spent with said friend and the kind things she's done. But I can't keep playing charades, man. It's tiring TBH.

In summary: Don't keep friends that drain your joy with their words and or actions. Love yourself first before giving people your time and energy. Time also shouldn't be an excuse to keep them either. The story of Beatrice is one of many, but I believe she will find peace one day. No malice behind my intentions at all. I hope she's doing well for herself. And hopefully you all will too see that those people just need to be left alone to their own devices. Try and let people go that don't contribute to your happiness.

I hope this article didn't offend you and I'm glad you stayed. Thank you so much for hearing my story and I'll see you next week.

Stay Great!✨️

-Stacia💗

*she wanted me to do a project for her as well